There are some days that you always take notice of every year it comes around. For some this is their birthday, for others it is a holiday, or others still, it is an anniversary. For some these days mean happiness and celebration, for a number there are mixed emotions and yet others who dread these days.

November 4th is a day that I notice. I know that last year there was 2 feet of snow on the ground and this year it was sunny and then rainy with no snow on the ground. Two years ago it was blustery and stormy and rainy with no snow on the ground. Three years ago it was snowy and windy and icy, and the first day of snow for that year.

Why do I notice the weather on such a non-descript day? Why is it important to me? November 4th was a day that was filled with hope and excitement at the start, and ended in a heart-crushing shock and disappointment for my family and me. A birth that brought about no life. My son, who would be three today, never opened his eyes to greet his mom or dad or older brother.


Strong warrior.



Today, this November 4th, I opened my eyes to a heavy, pre-dawn gloom. Clouds shrouded the sky, wrapping my little piece of the world in inky darkness.

Later the sun broke over the disappearing clouds, slanting beautiful, ethereal light over the fallow fields as I drove by.

Later yet, the sun beamed in a clear blue sky. No wind stirred the dry grasses or rattled the empty branches. Birds chirped and twittered. The sun warmed my back as I walked along. The water in the slough was glassy calm and the fluffy cattails didn’t stir and inch.

Then on the far western horizon the dark clouds loomed and soon the wind whistled through the pine and sent any leaf not nailed down tumbling. Rain beat against the windshield as I drove, and blurred the world outside, scouring the dry earth clean again.

And darkness fell again like a long, deep sigh.

Today, there was heaviness and sorrow, there was laughter and blessing, there was crying and letting go again and sighing – sighing in longing, sighing in acceptance and sighing in peace.

It was a good day this November 4th. A good day for a birthday. A good day for a little bit of everything.

Weeping Birch Tree, November 4, 2014

Weeping Birch Tree, November 4, 2014

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11 Responses to Today

  1. Beth Majak says:

    I too remember that day Heather, and am so very thankful for the great God we serve who has been with you thru all this.
    Love you lots!
    Aunt Beth

  2. David and Wendy says:

    We read these beautiful, tender words from your heart together and shed a few tears. You are so precious to us. Thank you for allowing us all to share in your journey.

  3. Tracy says:

    I was thinking of you today and wondered how you were feeling. Such a wonderful piece of literature to express your feelings.

  4. Katie Regehr says:

    Thanks for sharing your heart, Caleb will never be forgotten.

  5. Waking up on this same overcast dreary day with mixed emotions, knowing my birthday is the same day as the loss of your son. Continuing of life exists and sorrow in others. You are right the sun broke through later in the day warming all who let the rays fall on them. Why one dies and yet another lives is a mystery unknown. Blessings on your whole family as you each seek to find comfort this side of eternity. Love Auntie

    • Jake says:

      I hope you had a good birthday Connie. Sometimes it’s easy to feel guilty enjoying a day that you know is hard for someone else. I hope that you didn’t and had a really lovely day. Thanks for thinking of me! Much appreciated!

  6. Kimberly says:

    Oh I had no idea! Thank you for sharing your son in this beautiful way. Praying for you as you walk this road.

  7. Jake says:

    The whole reason for this blog was because I had trouble working out my thoughts after losing Caleb, I am now, three years later just starting to be able to write about him. I couldn’t before, so I used imagery from memories past, to help me explore the lessons I was learning as I grieved and mourned my son. I probably will still use memories of the past to explain life in the present to myself. Thanks everyone for taking the time to read my rambling thoughts!

  8. Cheryl says:

    I love your tender and reflective thoughts, Heather, my heart grieves with yours. Loving hugs to you, in the greatest sense of understanding, love and compassion. Caleb, you are loved, even known for such a short time, by your dear Mother & Father, always remembered. We look forward to Heaven, to meet you, to understand the mystery for your short life, and yet a life that impacts your parents for the rest of their lives. Happy 3rd Birthday, Caleb! Love, Cheryl

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